Emotional Avoidance: Embracing Uncomfortable Feelings

Experiencing feelings such as fear, grief, shame, and embarrassment can be incredibly uncomfortable and distressing. While it’s completely normal to occasionally steer clear of situations, people, or places that may evoke these undesirable emotions, the challenge arises when this avoidance starts to disrupt your daily life. This condition, recognized by mental health professionals as emotional avoidance, can manifest in various ways, leading to significant problems in personal and social functioning if left unaddressed.

Emotional avoidance encompasses any behavior or thought pattern aimed at reducing the intensity or presence of a challenging emotion. Everyone engages in avoidance tactics occasionally; however, the issue escalates when we start to perceive these emotions and the accompanying physical sensations as threats. Consequently, individuals may resort to extreme measures to suppress these feelings. These behaviors often fall into five distinct categories: total avoidance, subtle avoidance, thought avoidance, worry, and safety signals. Understanding these strategies is vital in breaking free from the cycle of emotional avoidance.

As the founder and director of the Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, I frequently encounter clients struggling to escape the grip of emotional avoidance. Thankfully, overcoming this condition is achievable, and I have witnessed countless individuals transition to healthier, more fulfilling, and assertive lives through effective treatment interventions.

Recognizing the Three Common Types of Emotional Avoidance

The first type of emotional avoidance is easily identifiable: total avoidance. This strategy involves completely steering clear of any situation or trigger that incites strong emotions. Individuals engaging in total avoidance often declare, either to themselves or others, “I don’t do _____,” which becomes a defining feature of their identity. This can manifest in various forms, such as avoiding social gatherings, public speaking events, or even specific locations like crowded places, theaters, or bridges. Emotional triggers can also include actions like apologizing, listening to certain songs, or cutting off contact with someone who has hurt you in the past.

The second type, subtle avoidance, is characterized by being physically present in a situation but emotionally disengaged. I often describe this as being “there, but not fully there.” An example would be feeling anxious while ordering food at a restaurant, where you may place your order without making eye contact with the server. Other instances include isolating yourself in another room during family gatherings, avoiding conversation in social settings, or always choosing self-checkout lines at stores to evade interactions. Such behaviors highlight the struggle many face when navigating uncomfortable emotions.

Thought avoidance is another common coping mechanism where individuals attempt to distract themselves from negative thoughts and feelings. This can manifest as pushing away distressing thoughts, which often return, or engaging in distractions such as video games, television, or even sleeping. One prevalent form of thought avoidance is worry, which many people find themselves caught in.

Understanding Worry as an Ineffective Avoidance Strategy

Worrying is a strategy that often leads individuals to evade confronting their emotions and the potential negative outcomes associated with them. As a Christian, I believe that every emotion, even those deemed negative, is a gift from God. However, I also recognize that we don’t have to be governed by emotions like worry; instead, we can aspire to emotional maturity. Worry not only proves unproductive but can also mislead us—Jesus himself advises against it. In my book, Mastering Our Emotions: Biblical Principles for Emotional Health, I explore pathways to emotional transformation. It includes therapeutic exercises, reflection prompts, and relevant Scripture readings designed to help individuals identify their thought patterns, emotional triggers, and avoidance behaviors.

Being able to recognize and identify worry is crucial for gaining control over it. Worry is not synonymous with anxiety; rather, it is a response to it. Despite good intentions, many individuals mistakenly rely on worry to manage their anxiety, which ultimately proves ineffective. The relationship between anxiety and worry is bidirectional; anxious thoughts can trigger worry, while excessive worry leads to heightened anxiety in the long run.

Adopting Problem-Solving Approaches Over Worry

Worry often serves as a mental diversion, preventing individuals from fully processing the emotions tied to their fears. For instance, if you experience anxiety due to an unfamiliar physical sensation, your instinct may be to worry about it. You might find yourself endlessly searching Google for explanations, consulting friends and family for reassurance, or distracting yourself with other activities. Although this may temporarily alleviate distress, it ultimately exacerbates the worry and, consequently, the anxiety over time.

In reality, genuine problem-solving leads to resolution and a reduction in anxiety levels. Most individuals find themselves worrying about scenarios with a very low likelihood of occurring, which only serves to heighten their anxiety. By focusing on constructive problem-solving techniques, individuals can break the cycle of worry and regain control over their emotional well-being.

Understanding Safety Signals in Emotional Avoidance

A particularly insidious form of emotional avoidance is the reliance on safety signals. These can be any objects or individuals—such as a specific water bottle, a comforting essential oil, a cherished pet, or a close friend—that individuals feel they need for emotional security in potentially threatening situations.

Safety signals reinforce the belief that certain situations are unsafe unless accompanied by these items or people, leading individuals to condition themselves to rely on them for managing intense emotions. Consequently, when these safety signals are absent, the instinctive response is an activation of the limbic system, resulting in overwhelming emotions. While having support during genuinely challenging situations, like awaiting medical results or attending important meetings, can be beneficial, some individuals become so dependent on their safety signals that they fail to recognize the issue until they are caught without them.

Adapted from Mastering Our Emotions by Kevin Chapman. ©2025 by Kevin Chapman. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.